there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
