Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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