you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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