No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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