I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
