how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
