you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
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Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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