I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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