The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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