Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
