All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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