Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
