I'm pants shitting drunk right now
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
