can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
