I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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