So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
