Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
