I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
