My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I came so hard my ears popped.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
