WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize