I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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