I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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