If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
