so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
