Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
