The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
