goodnight i made you a song goodbye
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
