I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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