The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
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There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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