don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just gargled with NyQuil
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
