I could make wine with my vomit
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
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Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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