thus making me awesome and them whores
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
