she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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