if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
