Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
