I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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