I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
