Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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