the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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