I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
