Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
