Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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