but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There was a lot of him and a little penis
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
