Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
