They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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