my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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