I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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