Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I AM VODKA MAN
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
