Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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