Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
