my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
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Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
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I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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