I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
