i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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