Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you had me at cake vodka
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
