I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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