I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize