He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
